In the train coming home from the Big Apple

Hmmmm ... Do you ever have that feeling? You know like "this is so right. I feel so good about this. This is a big risk, but I have confidence that I'm in the perfect place right now?"
That is how I feel right now. Riding back from New York on the Amtrak train, I'm watching each city pass. I travel three hours just for a one hour rehearsal. Am I crazy? well of course! I'd be crazy even with out the wacky career choice. But I really think this is right. I love singing, and as much as I worry about it - I love traveling. Gotta admit I don't love driving so much. But riding home on the train is perfect.

So I was asked recently to blog about the actual process of auditioning. Meaning what actually happens, what it looks like, what I feel, what the other singers are like etc. Well you might be surprised to find out that it is not nearly as glamorous as you would think ...

Picture a small hallway. The walls are old and stained, the checked linoleum floors dirty. Small wooden benches line the walls, and yellow, florescent lights flicker above you. There are several doors to the right, left, in front and behind you. Each room holds a different opera company, looking for those special few who will be their stars this coming season. However you've only made an appointment with one of them. As you wait to hear your name called, you hear many different people singing their own individual songs behind the walls. Between thirty and fifty people stand with you, many of them carrying bags or pulling suitcases. We are all waiting either for our audition or for our chance to use the bathroom, which is very small with two tiny stalls. Many people just change right in the hallway, trying their best to hide themselves in a corner or behind someone they brought for moral support. -- However, if you are me - you were smart enough to purchase a sandwich at the restaurant next door in order to use their bathroom!! -- Others spin their lips in vocal warm ups or quietly sing scales. Amidst the chaos, you try to keep your cool. You find a place to stand against a wall, and you breath in deep, steady breaths, doing your best to ignore the heat and the strong odor of people. Your heart is thumping as though you have just run a mile. Your mind is racing with questions: "do I remember the words?" "do I remember the notes?" "am I going to choke?" "will they like me?" And something tells you everyone of the other singers around you are doing the same thing.

Just as you are counting down from a hundred, and are beginning gain control of your wild heart, you hear it. A name. Not just any name - but your name. You look up, is it you? Yes, the door meant for you has opened just a little bit. Just enough for a head to peak out, and to meet its eyes with yours. It is your turn.

You take one last second to maintain your calm and with jitters shooting head to toe, you follow the path between the masses to your audition. "Remember to smile," you silently coach yourself, "keep some pep in your step! don't let them know you're scared. Keep your cool. JUST HAVE FUN!!"

The room is small, about the size of the average elementary school class room. A table is on the wall near the door, a piano on the far end. You walk confidently to the other end of the room. With a huge smile, you hand the pianist your music and share with him any notes you have for him about tempo or cuts. You take a big breath and turn to face the judges and with an even bigger, toothy smile, you introduce yourself and say "I would like to sing ..." and you name your aria. They usually say "okay great."

NOW FOR THE BIG MOMENT!

You close your eyes and look down. You get into character. Is this a sad song, a happy song, a funny song, a sexy song, an evil song? You decided that a long time ago when practicing, so you are ready to go. Then you take yet another big breath, look up, and hear the piano begin. And you sing. And you emote. And you act. And you spill your guts. And you let yourself be vulnerable in front of complete strangers whose entire reason for even being there is to judge you. And if you're anything like me ... you both love, and fear it ... it's kind of like falling in love with a vampire. It can suck the life out of you, and yet ... it's so good!!!!

And then ... after about three to five minutes, it's over. They usually have decided by the end of the first song if they will use you or not. Sometimes they will be interested in you and ask for a second song. Sometimes they request the other song because they are generous people and they know you have come a far way. Sometimes they stop you in them middle of the song. And sometimes they ask you some personal questions about where you live and who you have studied voice with. And every once and a while, they will will work with you musically. But regardless, after years of work, thousands of dollars in training, blood sweat and tears - three to ten minutes is all you have to show them what you're made of.

And then .... you get on the train. And you go home.

And you do it again next week. And the following week and again and again for hundreds of times. And you get maybe one or two gigs out of all those auditions. But somehow ... it's all worth it .... You know in that way it's kind of like dating I guess. You date lots of people, hoping that one of them will be the one ...

So I hope this explains my addiction. Maybe you will think it's self punishment, I don't know! :-) I guess you'd be right. But ..... To each his own, I guess!

New things a comin'...

Today New York City had a snow storm, so I didn't go to rehearsal. (I am singing the role of a sexy water nymph in a Wagnerian opera, and I am an understudy for a damsel in distress in a REALLY scary Opera by Strauss - it's about bloody murder, insanity and the music sounds like a horror movie). Well even though I didn't get to sing today, this snow storm saved me a ten hour trip (that includes the way home :-) So instead I stayed home and cleaned the house. HAAAA -- yeah right. I stayed home and watched TV. And I ate some junk food. And I chilled.

NICE.

However I have an update. Your crazy friend has gotten herself into a big mess. HAHA. Well it could be a good thing, I suppose ... Remember in my last blog when I said that I was going to sing for the Metropolitan Opera's vocal competition in Pittsburgh (they hear people all over the country first, and then if you make it past first and second rounds, you go to New York City and sing there)? Well I couldn't go because of the snow, and this would have been my last year to compete because they cut the age off at 30. Well I wrote them, telling them that I have been studying for ten years, but because I am a dramatic soprano, my voice has come in quite late, and I am only ready to compete now.

Well they wrote me back and told me that I could come directly to the Met and sing for them in person.

WHAT??? because of my silly email, I get to skip the first and second rounds of the competition and sing for them. Well this could either lead to more wonderful things, or it could be a one time honor that I will remember for ever. Well it's definitely something I'll always remember - unless I die from nerves, which I suppose could happen ... oh and we mustn't forget that this is a great opportunity for my husband Scott. He will probably play for my audition. Who knows what could come from that?

So my adventurous life takes an unexpected turn. Will I ever write a book about this? Memoirs maybe? Eh ... Probably fiction, so all of this can sound more exciting. Maybe I'll add a few Ninjas, or maybe a swashbuckler.

Anyway ... updates soon!!!

Love,

Leah

I am writing on a very snowy day. I think there might be two feet of snow outside. Hmmm ... we had some big plans this weekend that were canceled. Some of them were postponed, and some possibly lost forever ... maybe that's a bit dramatic. But it was pretty disapointing this morning when I woke up to find that we were snowed in. No traveling to Pittsburgh for the competition me. No recital for Scott ... Well at least I have time to write to my friends! I have learned some big lessons in the past couple of weeks, and I would love to share them with you.

I want to write about FEAR. You know there are literally hundreds of things to be afraid of on the performance stage. I mean the very idea of it is anti-evolutionary! Being on display, completely vulnerable with no defenses around you. No camouflage. No weapons. Totally involved in your own emotions, and completely unaware of your surroundings. In the wild, you be dinner before you could sing your high note!

I have always felt this way. And as scary as it is standing up there, there is something else that is even more frightening to me than that. A thing that I used to sweat about. DREAM about. DREAD for weeks before the audition. That fear is walking on to the stage. I always do one of two things. Either creep on, simultaneously dipping my head and smiling sheepishly, or charge on with huge steps over compensating for my discomfort. The second way often ends in missing the piano, walking the wrong direction or simply scaring the day lights out of the judges!

Well last Tuesday I began acting lessons with Ms. Carmen Balthrop (a wonderful soprano with an equally as wonderful career). She recognized my problem immediately before I even mentioned it! She helped me to find my own personal walk. We figured out how to put bounce in my step. Walk with energy and confidence. Walk quickly, energetically but at the same time with cool, calm focus. Put fun in to my little strides. Feel feminine and beautiful when I walk. You know - it has done miracles for me. I found that once I mastered this walk, I became more confident in general. I used this walk everywhere all week. At work, to the store, while excersizing. I learned that just because you feel nervous, sad, tired, sick - it doesn't mean that anyone else has to know about it. I learned how to look confident, no matter how I really feel. And that makes me start to FEEL confident and energetic even when I have every reason not to feel that way. Well - last week, I used it to enter the stage at an audition, and do you know what? It works! I actually GOT the audition. In fact I got a second role that I was not expecting! And, by the way, this will be my Manhattan debut :-)

SO that is why I was so excited to try out my new walking skill at the MET competition this weekend. It's the last time I can compete in it because for some reason they cut the age off at age 30 (not fair for us big voices who take longer to develop!!!)
WELL IT SNOWED AND SNOWED AND SNOWED AND SNOWED so I couldn't go! Boo. The first year I feel confident enough to do such a large competition, I can't do it. I was so sad. Well I decided to put my new found confidence to good use, so I wrote the chair of the regional competition in Pittsburgh. I complained about the age thirty cut off and that the only reason I wasn't competing this year was because of the weather. I was nervous that he would be mad, but you know what? He was sympathetic and is going to appeal to the larger company and ask if I can compete next year due to my current circumstance and the fact that I am a Wagnerian soprano (we finish growing between about age 35 - age 40).

So the moral of the story? SPEAK UP! Work on attaining confidence and start with something simple - like the way you walk! You never know what will happen. The squeaky wheel gets the oil. The brightest star gets remembered longest. And the spunkiest walker gets the gig :-) I love my job - SUCH an adventure. I encourage everyone to follow their own dreams and don't let fear stop you from doing what you want to do. It's so worth the risk!

Home Sick

Blah I am sick today. Sore throat. I was watching ALOT of HGTV and inspired by Devine Design, decided to use my extra tissue paper to cover boxes for more storage. Do you know I just saved myself probably a hundred dollars? I was able to use my boxes for storage so that I didn't go to Target and buy myself the shelving units I was planning on purchasing. I stacked them in a very stylish way and now it looks "designerish" and I didn't spend a dime.

Yesterday I went with my mom and my sister to Lancaster where we went to a thrift store that is full of 75 cent bins. I got SO MUCH stuff including two adorable blouses, shoes, blankets, a REALLY nice coat, a sweater for Scott, tables, a cute toybox shaped as a zebra (just LOVED it and couldn't let it go, 3 side tables (that I stacked and turned into a shelving unit to highlight my boxes) and floral contact paper - all for under $30.

As I sit back and survey my findings, I'm realizing this is how I am a singer. I spend THOUSANDS of dollars every year on voice lessons, application fees, travel costs and publicity materials. I work only 9 hours a week and Scott doesn't make much more than me ... We are both musicians and still we affoard a nice way of life and feel financially stable. I guess that's the magic of thrift stores. Honestly - I don't think there is a new piece of furniture in this apartment and somehow it all goes together beautifully. Thrift stores are a gift from God. I think I will use them as long as they are around.

On another note - my sister goes to Rome, Italy on Friday for study abroad. I am so excited for her and know that her life will never be the same after this trip; Living in another country really shapes your outlook on life and I am so excited to hear about the life lessons she learns.

Sorry this entry was so boring ... not much going on around here since I'm layed up on the couch with the sorest throat I've had in years. YUCK!

Peace and love everyone. Have a great week!

A rainy day

I don't know if this is a common occurrence with all of you, but when it rains I become very contemplative. My mind circulates through my latest life lessons, and I usually wind up going to one of my favorite stores and buying something comforting (today it was driving a half an hour toward civilization: first the Goodwill where I bought a vintage fedora for Scott and a funky sweater for myself - and then a bunch of baskets and a hot cup of coffee at Target). 

At the audition the other night, I did a breathing technique that is new to me, and that I learned from my current voice teacher Delores Ziegler (hi Delores, if you're reading this! :-)  And it was very helpful not only in getting my heart rate to go down, but also in allowing me to really experience the audition, rather than blanking out and forgetting most of it, which is what usually happens. Today, I was able to review in my mind all that I did right, and all that I did wrong, where as before it would all be jumbled so thoroughly that I could never remember the details. 

So what did I do wrong? First, I came in showing the late train in my face. I was TERRIFIED of rejection, and I believe that this may have shown as well. I was  too humble, and I was directionless.

BUT i DID do some things right as well. During my singing, I thought about keeping my energy low (for those of you who do not sing - that means not letting my shoulders and chest muscles creep up. This is a common habit of mine that I think may be a defense mechanism. It kind of makes you look "all puffed up" like a young dude who has just had his girlfriend hit on at the county fair and who wants to demonstrate his pectoral strength :-). 

I also was calm enough not to CHOKE during my singing, which happens A LOT! Hm ... how do I explain this ANNOYING phenomenon ........ I sing, and then for some WEIRD reason, I swallow, which of course interrupts the sound. This has happened ever since I started singing and LAST NIGHT WAS THE FIRST TIME IT DIDN'T HAPPEN AT AN AUDITION. I was sure it would, since I was so nervous about being late.  I mean it never happens in private lessons anymore, but I'm never nervous during a lesson. LAST NIGHT I WAS SOOO NERVOUS AND I DIDN'T SWALLOW. SO congratulate me, everyone. I deserve it :-)

Hm ... I wasn't very graceful about loosing on Friday night ... at least not to Scott. I was very sad, but now that I look back, I did at least two things which I have never accomplished before, so I should have been happy. But the more momentum I get in this singing thing, the more these things begin to matter to me. Is that okay? Should I be getting more callus? Well maybe what matters is that you can shake it off after the first day, which I certainly was able to do. Let me just say that playing the Wii is super cathartic for this opera singer ......

Anythoughts? I bet those of you who are not musicians have to deal with similar let downs? Nerves? Fears .....?  How do you realease them into the night?

Hello

Hello friends, family and strangers. I am Leah Crowne, a 30 year old Wagnerian soprano who has not yet gotten her big break. I am someone who wants a family of her own and who has a VERY supportive husband who is helping her out through all of this. I have a HUGE extended family (seven younger siblings and a million cousins). I teach at a college (voice lessons ;-) and I love what I do ... most of the time.

I am starting this blog for a lot of reasons. One is that I want to make it available to my family who often wonder what the heck I am doing out here in opera land! I don't blame any of you for wondering what it is like when I go audition and why at age 30 (and after ten years of training) I am still doing it. I know you all support me and are proud of me, and that means a lot! I thought this could be a great way of sharing my experiences on the road with all of you.

I guess I can start with my latest and greatest achievement which was being accepted into the Washington DC Wager Society's Emerging Singer's Program. This was great news because ever since I started singing ten years ago, people have been speculating that I would be a Wagnerian Soprano. When you are a Wagnerian, you have more time to get started in the field - but the game is all about waiting, training and networking. The Wagnerian voice has to sing over an orchestra so huge, it could make your ears bleed. I like to compare it to modern music - Wagner is like Led Zeppelin, Metallica or Nirvana as compared to Jewel (not to show my age or anything :-)  So your voice has to have build up stamina. And usually a woman like me isn't read to sing this stuff until well after age thirty. So this waiting game is normal for people like me. Really frustrating sometimes, but worth it in the end. 

So last night Scott and I went for a vocal competition at the Liederkranz in New York City. The Liederkranz is a German cultural center in the upper east side of Manhattan. It is opulent and intimidating - and EXTREMELY German. There is a lot of Gold. Everywhere. Chandeliers galore. And the rehearsal room where you go to warm up your voice has a giant wooden statue of some sort of knight with funny Beatles style hair. Not to mention the table ... well the table looks like a medieval feasting ground ... I love it down there. I always feel as though Oktoberfest will start at any minute and people will leap out of the walls wearing liederhosen. 

Well the train wound up being late. And I got there with ten minutes to change and warm up. My heart was beating so hard I SWORE (I know this is cliche) that everyone in the room could hear it. I had to ask for a moment to catch my breath. 

I stepped up on to the stage - oops. No I didn't. I walked the WRONG DIRECTION toward the judges because I was so discombobulated about being late. I stopped. Took a breath, and greeted them. One of them knew me from the Wagner Society. I smiled and waved like a little girl. THEN I STUMBLED OVER TO THE STAGE. 

Luckily I sang like a goddess - however, my introduction was so bad ... that MUST have been why I didn't place in the competition. 

Hm....

After the audition at the Liederkranz, Scott and I hopped on a cab to the West Side where I sang for a woman who teaches people entire roles of opera. She is reading through several productions this spring, and I wanted to be considered for a role in one of them. I sang well, and I think she may be interested, but I know that there are *hundreds?* of other sopranos lined up for the job. (*not sure hundreds for sure, but I was assuming, since that is usually the case!) I wasn't completely sure what vibe I got from her, but we shall see if I am singing Donna Anna in her living room next May ... I HOPE SO!! If not - I'll just learn it on my own, I guess. It would be fun to meet other singers through her program ... I would like to start to network in New York with other professionals who live there, just in case Scott and I wind up there someday.

We then ate dinner at a LOVELY Chinese restaurant where I had brown rice, tofu and veggis in a white sauce. Scott ate some eggplant drizzeled in their home sauce.  YUM!! Sorry to say - I indulged in a doughnut on the way home ........... 

So we took the train back to Elizabeth, New Jersey where we had parked. Then we drove home. Wow - three and half hours feels like a LONG LONG time when you are coming home late at night. I'm thinking it might be worth the extra hundred dollars to take the train from Harrisburg (which is the closest train to our home in Gettysburg - 45 minutes away). It's moments like those when I feel really far out in the boonies .... Maybe we will move after all. Not sure though ... we do have awfully good jobs.

I felt guilty this weekend because I had to miss out on my sister's birthday party. My cousin had come up from New York with her kids and I REALLY wanted to see them. SO I thought I'd meet them in Baltimore today, but I am SOO Tired from the trip (which wound up taking about 10 hours in travel time) that I am knocked out on the couch today. I will go to Buffalo at some point to see them. I love them so much, and it's been TOO long. 

So I hope this has been interesting ... Thank you for your ears - I mean eyes - I mean brains and eyes  .......    I hope you enjoyed my first blog. 

I look forward to hearing from anyone who wants to comment!! 

I will post some pictures next time!

Leah Badiah