In the train coming home from the Big Apple

Hmmmm ... Do you ever have that feeling? You know like "this is so right. I feel so good about this. This is a big risk, but I have confidence that I'm in the perfect place right now?"
That is how I feel right now. Riding back from New York on the Amtrak train, I'm watching each city pass. I travel three hours just for a one hour rehearsal. Am I crazy? well of course! I'd be crazy even with out the wacky career choice. But I really think this is right. I love singing, and as much as I worry about it - I love traveling. Gotta admit I don't love driving so much. But riding home on the train is perfect.

So I was asked recently to blog about the actual process of auditioning. Meaning what actually happens, what it looks like, what I feel, what the other singers are like etc. Well you might be surprised to find out that it is not nearly as glamorous as you would think ...

Picture a small hallway. The walls are old and stained, the checked linoleum floors dirty. Small wooden benches line the walls, and yellow, florescent lights flicker above you. There are several doors to the right, left, in front and behind you. Each room holds a different opera company, looking for those special few who will be their stars this coming season. However you've only made an appointment with one of them. As you wait to hear your name called, you hear many different people singing their own individual songs behind the walls. Between thirty and fifty people stand with you, many of them carrying bags or pulling suitcases. We are all waiting either for our audition or for our chance to use the bathroom, which is very small with two tiny stalls. Many people just change right in the hallway, trying their best to hide themselves in a corner or behind someone they brought for moral support. -- However, if you are me - you were smart enough to purchase a sandwich at the restaurant next door in order to use their bathroom!! -- Others spin their lips in vocal warm ups or quietly sing scales. Amidst the chaos, you try to keep your cool. You find a place to stand against a wall, and you breath in deep, steady breaths, doing your best to ignore the heat and the strong odor of people. Your heart is thumping as though you have just run a mile. Your mind is racing with questions: "do I remember the words?" "do I remember the notes?" "am I going to choke?" "will they like me?" And something tells you everyone of the other singers around you are doing the same thing.

Just as you are counting down from a hundred, and are beginning gain control of your wild heart, you hear it. A name. Not just any name - but your name. You look up, is it you? Yes, the door meant for you has opened just a little bit. Just enough for a head to peak out, and to meet its eyes with yours. It is your turn.

You take one last second to maintain your calm and with jitters shooting head to toe, you follow the path between the masses to your audition. "Remember to smile," you silently coach yourself, "keep some pep in your step! don't let them know you're scared. Keep your cool. JUST HAVE FUN!!"

The room is small, about the size of the average elementary school class room. A table is on the wall near the door, a piano on the far end. You walk confidently to the other end of the room. With a huge smile, you hand the pianist your music and share with him any notes you have for him about tempo or cuts. You take a big breath and turn to face the judges and with an even bigger, toothy smile, you introduce yourself and say "I would like to sing ..." and you name your aria. They usually say "okay great."

NOW FOR THE BIG MOMENT!

You close your eyes and look down. You get into character. Is this a sad song, a happy song, a funny song, a sexy song, an evil song? You decided that a long time ago when practicing, so you are ready to go. Then you take yet another big breath, look up, and hear the piano begin. And you sing. And you emote. And you act. And you spill your guts. And you let yourself be vulnerable in front of complete strangers whose entire reason for even being there is to judge you. And if you're anything like me ... you both love, and fear it ... it's kind of like falling in love with a vampire. It can suck the life out of you, and yet ... it's so good!!!!

And then ... after about three to five minutes, it's over. They usually have decided by the end of the first song if they will use you or not. Sometimes they will be interested in you and ask for a second song. Sometimes they request the other song because they are generous people and they know you have come a far way. Sometimes they stop you in them middle of the song. And sometimes they ask you some personal questions about where you live and who you have studied voice with. And every once and a while, they will will work with you musically. But regardless, after years of work, thousands of dollars in training, blood sweat and tears - three to ten minutes is all you have to show them what you're made of.

And then .... you get on the train. And you go home.

And you do it again next week. And the following week and again and again for hundreds of times. And you get maybe one or two gigs out of all those auditions. But somehow ... it's all worth it .... You know in that way it's kind of like dating I guess. You date lots of people, hoping that one of them will be the one ...

So I hope this explains my addiction. Maybe you will think it's self punishment, I don't know! :-) I guess you'd be right. But ..... To each his own, I guess!